Who Shot the Deputy?

Recently I had the pleasure of seeing Wyclef Jean perform at the Hard Rock Casino in lovely Las Vegas. In-between stumping for Obama during "If I Were President," terrifying his bodyguards by crowd diving, and lamenting the fact that the youth of today don't know who the 'Fugees are Clef covered "I Shot the Sheriff." And it got me thinking: what the hell happened to the Deputy?

Much has already been made of the shooting of the Sheriff John Brown. Robert "Bob" Nesta Marley was first to lay claim to the incident, though in the ensuing years he was followed by Eric Patrick Clapton, Warren Griffin III (aka Warren G), the Voodoo Glow Skulls, Willard Christopher "Will" Smith, Jr. (aka The Fresh Prince), and most recently, Jason René Castro (aka The Burner From American Idol). And while no witnesses bore sight to the shooting, the defendant(s) has admitted roughly three times that he did indeed shoot the sheriff, though it was done in self-defense. The slain body of the officer was found on the way out of town with his gun drawn in an aggressive manner. The position of his body seems to indicate that the Sheriff was waiting for the defendant and might have been simply out-drawn.

But what I find more troubling is the fact that an innocent deputy was shot as well and no one seems to care. The defendant(s) has repeatedly stated - roughly six times - that he did not shoot the deputy; given his/their/her willingness to admit to the other facts of the case, one is inclined to believe him/them/her. So WHO shot the deputy? And why have so little facts surround his death come to light? Are they protecting the legacy of Sheriff Brown despite his reputation? Or was the case bungled like so many before it: the Copacabana gun battle; the murder of Billy DeLions by Stagger Lee; the revenge killing of Janie, who could never be tried for the death of her father as she ran away with the gun, her dog days having just begun; the alleged pianist battery, gold robbery, lager larceny, double homicide, and sexual assault with a wiffle ball bat by three white Jewish males. Who must suffer next in an unsolved crime committed to a catchy melody before something is done?

Can We, As A Society, Really Call Ourselves Advanced If We Are Still Using Towels?

Most mornings I wake up to a pre-programmed alarm clock that plays a random song located in my MP3 player which contains 4576 of my favorite songs. My coffee maker starting brewing a fresh pot ten minutes after I wake. I turn on the TV to watch sports highlights from the previous night taped on my DVR without my prompting. I drive to work, listening to one of 170 stations beamed to me from a satellite high above the Earth while I talk to New York City on my cell phone (using another satellite or two), which I will use once parked to check my Gmail and Fantasy Team . From my desk I can instantly chat with a colleague in Macao, monitor the number of Guests calling our Call Center at that moment, listen to music derived from an Algorithm based on Feel Good, Inc. by the Gorillaz, and instantly look up who played Sgt. Hulka in Stripes (Warren Oats, R.I.P.) - all at once. And yet, when I get out of the shower to start my day, I still have to wipe down every square inch of my body with an 30 inch by 54 inch piece of Organic Cotten stitched together in India and sold to me via West Elm (to be honest it was a gift). And that, to me, is absurd.


According to the all-knowing Wikipedia "The invention of the towel associated, at least apocryphally, with the city of Bursa in Turkey. The city is still noted for the production of 'Turkish towels.' " Drilling down further we find that "until the early nineteenth century, when the textile industry mechanized, bath toweling could be relatively expensive to purchase or time-consuming to create. There is some question how important these sanitary linens were for the average person—after all, bathing was not nearly as universally popular 200 years ago as it is today... As the cotton industry mechanized in this country, toweling material could be purchased by the yard as well as in finished goods. By the 1890s, an American house-wife... could purchase terry cloth by the 'y'ard, cut it to the appropriate bath towel size her family liked, and hem it herself. " I give all this history to make my point - besides the personal hemming and the usage of the word 'y'ard, how different is this product from the one used roughly 120 years ago??? And it's not like the Wheel or Fire or the Bloomin' Onion, where the original invention was the perfect incarnation; this one can use some improvement. Again, this is absurd. I can only think of several reasons how this is possible:


1) After we shower our brain is in a cognitive shortcut mode, saving itself for more appropriate work. This is an evolutionary development as billions of tiny decisions are made every day. the brain doesn't have time to process each one so it creates habits. Little things like wiping down your body, finding Ben Stiller funny no matter what crap he's in, enjoying Myley Cyrus, or slapping anybody from The Hills, become unconscious acts.


2) The technological alternatives are too expensive. Both Triton and Airobe have "Body Dryers" but given that I cannot find a price for either anywhere on the Net I have to assume they are cost-prohibitive alternatives. Future potential body-drying barons see this, do a quick cost-benefit analysis, and decide to focus their attention on other potential markets such as flat-screen candles, hermit crab farming, and web porn.

3) The Towel Cartel of Bed, Bath, & Beyond, Linens & Things, Target, JC Penny, Google, Turkey, and Steve Jobs is even more powerful than previously thought.

The cynic in me thinks it is (1) and perhaps we've already gone to far to change our programming; the businessman/MBA looks to (2) and thinks there are riches to uncover yet (if my couch wasn't so damn comfortable); the realist in me sadly accepts (3) as our current state and believes that until we rise up, as One, we will be stuck in this inefficient, time-prohibitive, and slightly damp means of moisture elimination. Until that glorious day comes the question begs: Can We, As A Society, Really Call Ourselves Advanced If We Are Still Using Towels?

What is Five Plus Eight?

No matter how hard I try, the answer to this question plagues me.

You see, I know it is 13. Now. Wait, right? Let me just double-check on Excel... OK, good. As I was saying 5 +8 = 13 is a simple question, and one that I find I have difficulty answering. And despite the fact that I think of myself as quite smart (NYU MBA thank you very much), I have plenty of these "thinking speed bumps." Like how to spell restaurant? Is 12 noon AM or PM? Which way locks my door? What is the capital of New York?

And that's just the tip of the iceberg, because while I am pondering the small stuff like "Can I make a right on red here?" I find myself with questions about even more random things. Ridiculous questions (Rambo III's title?), small observational questions (slots in supermarkets?), questions I feel oddly strong about (towel technology progress?), my personal deep questions(XM Radio as a metaphor for Life?), pop culture and consumerism questions (Alanis's definition of irony?), and more.

Five Plus Eight... is my attempt to address these questions head on rather than let them float out in the ether. Generally I hope to amuse myself, those I know, and perhaps even those I do not. If we can create a dialogue surrounding some of the biggest mysteries in life (seriously, what is up with the lack of any progress in towel technology?), well all the better...

Oh, and the capital of New York is Albany (thank you Google).